Sunday, August 29, 2010

...I stood bare body in the middle of the road. Or was it ON the road?

It was a sunny day sometime in 2010,
I came out and greeted my neighbour's cat, Ben
It rolled its eyes and flicked its tail,
hissed at me as I went to get the mail
For some reason that day I was feeling oddly light,
I noticed a few heads popping into sight
I nodded at some and a few smiled back,
a couple of them made the skin crawl on my back
My pretty neighbour winked with a smirk,
a gesture that instantly gave me a perk
One of the Jones's kids hurled water balloons at his brother,
soon both kids were screaming for their mother
I went back in and poured some myself cornflakes,
I noticed something that made me double take
I felt so shy and infuriatingly silly,
I realised everyone had been saying hi to my willy
The pajamas I'd been wearing were hanging by a hook,
Never before had I felt like such a shmuck
I went to see myself in the looking glass,
feeling more and more by the minute like a big arse
Speaking of which, I did notice that people didn't seem to mind
taking a good look at my well formed behind
I did a little jig and winked at my reflection,
thinking to myself I personified perfection
From that moment on I felt so incredibly cocky,
I even thought to stink-eye my little rubber ducky
This is how, I decided, I will spend my day,
striking a pose that looked almost gay
There was a procession going on out there,
I had to be in it, I thought, smoothing my hair
I went outside knowing c'est la mode
I stood bare body in the middle of the road.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


But that would be disgusting. Specially since we suspect one has little catlets wriggling for space inside her. And the other one has too much fat. Anyway.

Today, I'm writing about the various obsessions I've had in my short, fickle life. (Can you describe one's life as 'fickle'? Or is that only minds? I'll get back on that later.)
Because like any child, when I see something shiny and awesome, I worship it. (the lustre gets added in my mind. lulz.) So.

Obsession #1: Beauty. I've always been afraid of ageing. When I ate oranges, I'd put the peel on my skin because I had heard that it's good for the skin. This happened when I was four or five years old. Notice how the skin becomes wrinkled when it's been in water for too long? I used to start crying each time it happened. Not for long, though. I got used to it the 457th time. I had a fascination for face packs. I used to lurve slathering the cold mud packs and peels on my sundar mukhda. And not taking them off for ages.
And all of it paid off. I've had only ONE pimple in my whole life. When I was 11. Now I'm 18. So HAH. Don't look at me like that.

Obsession #2: Barbie dolls. Not even because I liked her that much or anything. Probably because it was the Thing to own many Barbies. The clothes, the accessories etc. I have owned four (or was it six?) Barbie dolls all my life. Two have survived and are sprawled awkwardly in my old toy box. I know it's not a lot, people have had many more et al, but I was notorious for losing/breaking my things. Still am. But ssshh.

Obsession #3: Harry Potter. I cannot thank my sister enough for a lot of things, my introduction to the magical world is one of them. I attempted to read the book, but since I've never been the kind to pay attention to what is going on in front of me, I gave up soon enough. Then the first movie came. I LOVED it. I read the books. I loved the books. I loved them more each time I reread it. Still do. If you're chatting me up, HP references are the way to go.

Obsession #4: English. Incorrect English makes me twitch. Not that I don't make mistakes. I do (a LOT these days), but I usually correct myself within 6 seconds. I like British English better. American slang fits really well in some situations, though.

Obsession #5: Pink. 8th-9th-10th standards. It was my favourite colour. Partly because of Legally Blonde. I'm still looking for that poufy pencil cap. I've seen them in many stores, but they have stupid Disney plastic toys in them. They're not even poufy enough for the price they come for.

Obsession #6: Food. I misquote, "Nandini's bottom is a stomachless pit." I eat. I take a second helping. Then a third. Then maybe a fourth. Fifteen minutes later, you might find my head buried in the fridge, looking for food. "Can I finish this?" is a question I frequently ask during meals. This is the reason I have to go to a gym now. This is one thing I resent about moving to Bombay. The food here is awesome and cheap. They make. I eat. I gym. Everybody's happy.

Obsession #7: Mika. Michael Holbrook Penniman is love. Unlike my other music obsessions, this one survived a good THREE years. It's not always there, I DO skip Mika on my playlist when I don't feel like it, but when I DO feel like it, Mika makes me happier than chocolate cake with ice cream after sausages. Mika helped me through times of crises and celebrated with me in times of celebration. Also, he's dyslexic, beautiful, bisexual and English = awesome.

Obsession #8: Money. When I was a kid, my eyes would sparkle at the sight of money. I loved money. Well. Still do, but not nearly as much as I did.

Obsession #9: Cats. MYCATSARETHECUTESTTHINGSEVER! I love cats. I used to prefer dogs, but the day mum brought these umpkadidlydumpkins home, that changed. Though it wasn't till a month later I realised it. I chase every cat I see. (unless my pants are too low or something) All of them try to run away. ALL. Except that black cat. That one just lazily swiped his claws at me. Cats are the best.

Obsession #10: Meh. I'll tell ya when I remember. This post might just need to be split into two.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Video Killed The Radio Star. not really. meh.

Yes, I understand that musical geniuses with complicated names made magic with music in back in the day, and even if it was made long before I was born, it still touches the soul of everyone who listens to it. And that you simply cannot get enough of the Atif Aslam/Sunidhi Chauhan clones and punjabi/bihari/american - however fake - accented singers. And that Careless Whispers and Everything I Do makes your heart melt every single time you listen to it. I do.
I know it's not because the sponsors/filmmakers/other hotshots are paying you to give the songs enough airtime for the audience to be forced to listen to it and even if it's not their type of music, it grows on them. Or even because you're just playing safe by playing Lady in Red because you think most of the listeners know it and like it. I know.
But the poor little listeners whose portable music constantly befalls grief such as falling into cursed waters, don't you think they deserve some variety?
So 3 Idiots was a big hit. But have you NO consideration for those of us who watched it for a few chuckles and did not come out thinking it was a life changing, paradigm-revolutionising legend, and that constant references to the film get annoying?
Don't you realise how much power you have? All those RJs have so much potential with their wit and way with words. Is it really that hard to introduce people to Mika? With your power you can

1. Help people expand their knowledge of music.
2. Help people increase their vocabulary.
3. Get international artists to consider gigging in India.
4. Control piracy.
5. Make oblivious-to-what's-up-in-the-world-of-music people not so oblivious.
7. Make people open to other types of music, therefore, other cultures.

And I know it's not like you don't play other kinds of music AT ALL. But allotting only ONE hour with fifteen thousand commercials between songs is a bit unfair, no?
Why don't you throw it in with the regular music? Talking about it a little couldn't hurt, could it?

Changes we would like to see in radio:

1. Better and more varied music.
2. Better and more varied content.
3. Varied topics (such as cats, what to do in case gum gets stuck in your hair, Harry Potter, what you would do if you received a death threat from your kitchen tiles etc. Not just where one takes your significant other for a date, does at a date, gets someone to go on a date, and other cliché topics)
4. Better quality interactive shows.
5. Better celebrities saying "You're listening to _____ only on ___._ fm"

BAYsickly, I want more Mika (etc) and the scoops on what Mika (and other artists) are up to and people gushing about Harry Potter and cats on radio. And other stuff.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Glucon D.

Look, sun, I know you have great power, but it is unacceptable that you show off so much. People are dying! They look up to you, only to turn away in fear of your wrath! Look at what you've become! Once a tiny part of your mother, the universe, you have turned into this! No one questions your importance, you're essential for life to exist. But such power is turning you into a monster. I agree, most of the places in the torrid zone are very attractive, if not for their government. But however juicy we are, it is wrong to suck out our energy. You're constantly demanding attention, all day! We are forced to buy blinds to prevent you from seeing us.
Remember, with a great shower comes great aromatherapy. Or something like that.
Look at the moon. So gentle, so white. Reminds you of Dove soap. Isn't it beautiful? No, I'm not calling you ugly. You are magnificent.
"But the moon is STUPID! All it cares about is rabbits and cheese! And it only works full-time twice a month! And always admiring its reflection in lakes and ponds!"
And you think you are any better? Being a workaholic does not make you any better than the moon. It's in the moon's character to behave that way. If the moon is vain, you are incredibly proud.
You know why there's a hole in the ozone? CFCs. And why are CFCs haunting the atmosphere? Because we need refrigeration. And why do we need refrigeration? Thaaat's right. So whose fault is it?
I step into my balcony to get some fresh air, look at the noisy children arguing with various aunties, relax after eating a whole watermelon. But noooo. Everything looks yellow and orange. It's like I borrowed a pair of Govinda's sunglasses, minus the relaxing effect of sunglasses.
Aren't you, like, several billion years old? That's older than, like, bell-bottomed pants, or something. When will you learn? You don't have to show off your power to every new species created. It's annoying. You're getting senile. Get married. Take a holiday. Let the evening star take over for a bit.
Okay, that was unnecessary. See what the heat does to people? All I want is for you to realize what you're doing to people. Sometimes, it's okay to exert your power. It's a win-win. You turn up the heat, we invent ice-cream and watermelons. But for now, stop making me cry.

Monday, November 23, 2009


Hair. It's going to take over the world. Yes it is. These seemingly harmless bunches of "dead" cells are actually very clever organisms who know better than to make their presence felt to the rest of the world. Them operates when and where one leas expects it.. The first time i noticed their sneaky, mischievious activity was in the bathroom.
Before we get into that, let me explain how much I have managed to uncover about these demons collectively called Hair.

But before that, let me sing a wonderful song so I have your complete attention.

O, Haseena, zulfon wali jaane jahan!
Dhoondti hai kaafir aankhen kiska nishaan?
Mehfil mehfil-e-shama,
phirti ho kahaan?

Woh anjaanaaa dhoondti hoon,
woh deevanaaa dhoondti hoon,
jalakar jooo chhip gaya hai, woh parvaanaaaa dhoondti hoon!

NOW, if you have noticed, there is a comma after haseena, and not after zulfon. This is because the HAIR is being sung about, and the haseena is being praised for having hair. This song is very old, this means that our ancestors had realised that Hair are living organisms, but they did not know that Hair aspires to conquer the world!

About hair.
Hair is seen only on mammals. This is because mammals possess a quality called loveliness. Hairs are suckers for loveliness.
Hair has existed since twenty-three hundred years before cockroaches even roached the world. From when it was created, hair roamed free on the earth and neighbouring planets for many years. And then there were dinosaurs. All the hair across the solar system was so shocked by the freakish distortedness of the shape of the dinosaurs, they pretended to be dead and have remained that way ever since.

Hairs use many methods of communication, telepathy being the commonest of all because of it's simplicity. They messages that pass between hairs are sometimes caught by humans, whose weirdacko minds interpret them as voices in their heads or their conscience.
Another reason hair chooses to grow on the skin of mammals is that the skin of a mammal has the similarest cellular strucute, the only difference (or so we thought) is that hair cells are dead.

There are different communities of hair in the world. They are formed based on colour, texture, or awesomeness and awfulness.
One set of communities is blond, black, brown, red, blonder, blacker, browner and redder.
Other than those, there are curly, wavy, straight, groovy and cartoony.
The awesomenesses and awfulnesses are communities with a population made of hybrids of the types mentioned below.

So, as I was saying, I have managed to uncover a little about their sneaky mischieviousness.
Many of us have faced and still face problems of hairloss, yes?
As some of you (special uns) must've guessed by now, it's not actually because of lack of nutrition that we're losing hair.
Hair sends out armies of hairlets periodically into the world we see with our fantastically clouded eyese. These armies are responsible for many problems that we face.
Off the top of my head, bathrooms are an active place.
While you're shampooing your hair and singing It's My Life, the armies are quietly dropping off your head and heading straight towards the drain pipe. Over a period, the rain pipe gets clogged and hair puts in all efforts to pull out whatever has passed thru it and make the pipe spew it back out. This way, they can cause epidemics, which leave them at an advantage.
I'm sure that there are many such things that we will find hair responsible for.

I wish them all the best and will not discourage their taking over the world, as I have seen that they have a noble soul, and will make great rulers.
I will stand by you in all your deeds, and promise not not to disappear if you ever get into trouble. I will remain neutral.
Take care :)

Thursday, October 1, 2009


So here i am. Writing a post. And i have no idea what to write about. Absolutely nothing. Not even ideas like writing about the colour of my socks.
Speaking of socks, my kittens' paws make them look like they're wearing socks.
Yes, i got kittens! (Yes, my post is going to be about my kittens! xD)
They're a month old. Mum found them when they were only a few days old! Our phoolwali told us that their mother had abandoned them and since then, she had been looking after them.
Simba's fur is grey and he looks like a tiger, somewhat. Pebbles is a white, royal, delicate-looking princess.
I have been a very anti-cat person since forever. Now i find myself petting every clean cat I see. It is absolutely weird. I never used to think of cats as graceful or royal or elegant. I used to think of them as catty. Mean. I still know they are. But i want to like them til they prove it to me.
Enough about cats.

Let's talk about poverty and population. Yes. People who take enough interest in politics to find out who won the election before their parents/relatives/people around them started talking about it should have something to say after reading this.

Eradication of poverty. I haven't thought this through, so SOMEbody might prove me wrong. Or not. it's a matter of opinion.
Most of mankind wants happiness and success/satisfaction. Most of it seems to think world peace is what will make give them happiness/success/satisfaction. So problems such as scarcity of resources, water, energy etc, crime, population, illiteracy and all are obstacles in the path to world peace.
My opinion is:
1. Very cruel
2. That people should do what they want how they want to. But only if you want to live life free of dependence on anything but nature and your ecosystem. Basically, if you want to live like Tarzan. Before he went to the city or whatever.
3. If you want to use the resources like those of a dwelling which has been recognised by a mass of people that pretend to rule over it, make the resources YOURSELF or follow the rules set by that mass of people (some places call it a government)
4. NEVER bother other people, unless they bother you. You give what you get. Not always. Only if you want to. It is wrong to expect people to give you anything positive. It is smart to expect people to give you negative.
Let me illustrate with an example.

Lets say person #27 decides to live like Tarzan(not the character, look at no.2!). Lets say many people have chosen to live like Tarzan.
Lets say person #6 decides to give #27 a bar of chocolate. #27 eats the bar of chocolate and enjoys it. And forgets about it. She realises that #6 has stolen her ostrich egg!
This entitles #27 to go and steal #6's peanut sack (assuming a peanut sack is as valuable to #6 as the ostrich egg is to #27).
Here, #27 should have expected danger from #6. And #6 should have expected no mercy from #27, because the bar of chocolate means NOTHING in this set-up. Only harm is recognized. Harm should be expected. If harmed, you are allowed to seek revenge. And if you don't, you cannot expect the harmer to feel any guilt.
Get it?

My other opinion is:
If world peace really IS the way, then out of all the problems like scarcity of resources, water, energy etc, crime, population, illiteracy, deterioration of the environment and all, population is the biggest one.
Everything revolves around population. If the population comes under control, every other problem will be much easier to solve. Because
1. There will be lesser people claiming the world's resources.
2. There will be lesser people polluting the earth.
3. Poverty will decrease.
4. Illiteracy will decrease.
5. And all.

And how do control the suffocatingly ever-multiplying population?
By controlling/eradicating poverty.
If you look at the problem objectively, you will agree that the best way to do this is by, ahem, removing all the poor. From the face of the earth. Something like the Nazis. I said if you look at it objectively!
I'm not saying KILL all the poor, but that if they're dying, LET them!
A lot of the poor don't show an interest in what we call development, i.e education, equal rights, proper economic status. This may be because they don't know the value of these things. So what they don't know can't tempt them, right?
What i'm saying is, there is no point wasting the country's resources on people who aren't going to be able to use them. If the poor want help, they should ask for it. It is wrong for the government to go around chasing them and teaching them the importance of education etc.
We all know that the poor NEED education to protect them from problems like constant indebtedness and all.
But the population increases because of the poor. They end up having many children and adding to the problem. Then they need even more resources and then those children end up being the reason for the hole in the Ozone layer getting a few millimetres bigger. I'm not saying don't help the poor. I'm saying help only those who can benefit and lead a HAPPY life because of the help given. People who cannot be helped shouldn't be helped, if there is someone who can benefit better from the same support.
Anyway. I will come back and edit this later. Maggi beckons. Au revoir!

I'm back! Many weeks later, but I'm back!

I was saying that people who can really benefit and be happy because of the support given to them should be helped and not those who are so desperately unhappy and helpless that the same support will just give them slightly lesser problems, but still leave them unhappy.
See, if we find a way to eradicate/control the poor, there will be only the middle class and the rich left in the country, and they can share all the resources and live happily ever after. if the population has to increase, let the upper classes' population increase. That way they can provide for all children and be happy, because at the most, their wealth will decrease and become that of the middle class or slightly poor, but at least it'll be manageable! And besides, the upper classes (mostly) are smart enough to know what a catastrophe a huge increase in population can cause, and to protect what they have, they will make wise decisions. Even if some idiots manage to make mistakes, it won't cause much harm. No?

Everyone HAS to die eventually. A lot of the poor die young, and while they're alive, their lives aren't very happy. If they're happy being poor, then there's no point trying to help them. Those who are UNhappy, shouldn't be helped and should be allowed diminish and disappear. Yes?

It may be unethical and all, but if ONE move can help build a better, happy future for the survivors, why let ethics stop it?
If one little lie can give courage and strength for someone to grow, it is the right thing to do.
Similarly, if one act (of eradicating poverty like THAT) can help build a happier, better future for the people of two centuries (or so) later, why don't we let it happen?


Comments (even if they disprove the effectiveness of my idea) are welcome :D

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Happy Friendship Day!

Plenty a sappy SMS in my inbox,
Yet I'm too sleepy to even pull up my socks,
Each SMS defining friendship as sweet,
But are as appetizing as sweetened rat meat

So as I struggle to open my eyes
(for the sun's so bright it's making me cry)
I realise it's okay to follow the trend
Because my life is nowhere near the end

So i'm here on Friendship Day
Typing a poem fighting the sun's ray
Thank you so much for being my friend
I hope i'll enjoy the chocolates you're gonna send!
Happy Friendship Day!!