Sunday, August 29, 2010

...I stood bare body in the middle of the road. Or was it ON the road?

It was a sunny day sometime in 2010,
I came out and greeted my neighbour's cat, Ben
It rolled its eyes and flicked its tail,
hissed at me as I went to get the mail
For some reason that day I was feeling oddly light,
I noticed a few heads popping into sight
I nodded at some and a few smiled back,
a couple of them made the skin crawl on my back
My pretty neighbour winked with a smirk,
a gesture that instantly gave me a perk
One of the Jones's kids hurled water balloons at his brother,
soon both kids were screaming for their mother
I went back in and poured some myself cornflakes,
I noticed something that made me double take
I felt so shy and infuriatingly silly,
I realised everyone had been saying hi to my willy
The pajamas I'd been wearing were hanging by a hook,
Never before had I felt like such a shmuck
I went to see myself in the looking glass,
feeling more and more by the minute like a big arse
Speaking of which, I did notice that people didn't seem to mind
taking a good look at my well formed behind
I did a little jig and winked at my reflection,
thinking to myself I personified perfection
From that moment on I felt so incredibly cocky,
I even thought to stink-eye my little rubber ducky
This is how, I decided, I will spend my day,
striking a pose that looked almost gay
There was a procession going on out there,
I had to be in it, I thought, smoothing my hair
I went outside knowing c'est la mode
I stood bare body in the middle of the road.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


But that would be disgusting. Specially since we suspect one has little catlets wriggling for space inside her. And the other one has too much fat. Anyway.

Today, I'm writing about the various obsessions I've had in my short, fickle life. (Can you describe one's life as 'fickle'? Or is that only minds? I'll get back on that later.)
Because like any child, when I see something shiny and awesome, I worship it. (the lustre gets added in my mind. lulz.) So.

Obsession #1: Beauty. I've always been afraid of ageing. When I ate oranges, I'd put the peel on my skin because I had heard that it's good for the skin. This happened when I was four or five years old. Notice how the skin becomes wrinkled when it's been in water for too long? I used to start crying each time it happened. Not for long, though. I got used to it the 457th time. I had a fascination for face packs. I used to lurve slathering the cold mud packs and peels on my sundar mukhda. And not taking them off for ages.
And all of it paid off. I've had only ONE pimple in my whole life. When I was 11. Now I'm 18. So HAH. Don't look at me like that.

Obsession #2: Barbie dolls. Not even because I liked her that much or anything. Probably because it was the Thing to own many Barbies. The clothes, the accessories etc. I have owned four (or was it six?) Barbie dolls all my life. Two have survived and are sprawled awkwardly in my old toy box. I know it's not a lot, people have had many more et al, but I was notorious for losing/breaking my things. Still am. But ssshh.

Obsession #3: Harry Potter. I cannot thank my sister enough for a lot of things, my introduction to the magical world is one of them. I attempted to read the book, but since I've never been the kind to pay attention to what is going on in front of me, I gave up soon enough. Then the first movie came. I LOVED it. I read the books. I loved the books. I loved them more each time I reread it. Still do. If you're chatting me up, HP references are the way to go.

Obsession #4: English. Incorrect English makes me twitch. Not that I don't make mistakes. I do (a LOT these days), but I usually correct myself within 6 seconds. I like British English better. American slang fits really well in some situations, though.

Obsession #5: Pink. 8th-9th-10th standards. It was my favourite colour. Partly because of Legally Blonde. I'm still looking for that poufy pencil cap. I've seen them in many stores, but they have stupid Disney plastic toys in them. They're not even poufy enough for the price they come for.

Obsession #6: Food. I misquote, "Nandini's bottom is a stomachless pit." I eat. I take a second helping. Then a third. Then maybe a fourth. Fifteen minutes later, you might find my head buried in the fridge, looking for food. "Can I finish this?" is a question I frequently ask during meals. This is the reason I have to go to a gym now. This is one thing I resent about moving to Bombay. The food here is awesome and cheap. They make. I eat. I gym. Everybody's happy.

Obsession #7: Mika. Michael Holbrook Penniman is love. Unlike my other music obsessions, this one survived a good THREE years. It's not always there, I DO skip Mika on my playlist when I don't feel like it, but when I DO feel like it, Mika makes me happier than chocolate cake with ice cream after sausages. Mika helped me through times of crises and celebrated with me in times of celebration. Also, he's dyslexic, beautiful, bisexual and English = awesome.

Obsession #8: Money. When I was a kid, my eyes would sparkle at the sight of money. I loved money. Well. Still do, but not nearly as much as I did.

Obsession #9: Cats. MYCATSARETHECUTESTTHINGSEVER! I love cats. I used to prefer dogs, but the day mum brought these umpkadidlydumpkins home, that changed. Though it wasn't till a month later I realised it. I chase every cat I see. (unless my pants are too low or something) All of them try to run away. ALL. Except that black cat. That one just lazily swiped his claws at me. Cats are the best.

Obsession #10: Meh. I'll tell ya when I remember. This post might just need to be split into two.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Video Killed The Radio Star. not really. meh.

Yes, I understand that musical geniuses with complicated names made magic with music in back in the day, and even if it was made long before I was born, it still touches the soul of everyone who listens to it. And that you simply cannot get enough of the Atif Aslam/Sunidhi Chauhan clones and punjabi/bihari/american - however fake - accented singers. And that Careless Whispers and Everything I Do makes your heart melt every single time you listen to it. I do.
I know it's not because the sponsors/filmmakers/other hotshots are paying you to give the songs enough airtime for the audience to be forced to listen to it and even if it's not their type of music, it grows on them. Or even because you're just playing safe by playing Lady in Red because you think most of the listeners know it and like it. I know.
But the poor little listeners whose portable music constantly befalls grief such as falling into cursed waters, don't you think they deserve some variety?
So 3 Idiots was a big hit. But have you NO consideration for those of us who watched it for a few chuckles and did not come out thinking it was a life changing, paradigm-revolutionising legend, and that constant references to the film get annoying?
Don't you realise how much power you have? All those RJs have so much potential with their wit and way with words. Is it really that hard to introduce people to Mika? With your power you can

1. Help people expand their knowledge of music.
2. Help people increase their vocabulary.
3. Get international artists to consider gigging in India.
4. Control piracy.
5. Make oblivious-to-what's-up-in-the-world-of-music people not so oblivious.
7. Make people open to other types of music, therefore, other cultures.

And I know it's not like you don't play other kinds of music AT ALL. But allotting only ONE hour with fifteen thousand commercials between songs is a bit unfair, no?
Why don't you throw it in with the regular music? Talking about it a little couldn't hurt, could it?

Changes we would like to see in radio:

1. Better and more varied music.
2. Better and more varied content.
3. Varied topics (such as cats, what to do in case gum gets stuck in your hair, Harry Potter, what you would do if you received a death threat from your kitchen tiles etc. Not just where one takes your significant other for a date, does at a date, gets someone to go on a date, and other cliché topics)
4. Better quality interactive shows.
5. Better celebrities saying "You're listening to _____ only on ___._ fm"

BAYsickly, I want more Mika (etc) and the scoops on what Mika (and other artists) are up to and people gushing about Harry Potter and cats on radio. And other stuff.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Glucon D.

Look, sun, I know you have great power, but it is unacceptable that you show off so much. People are dying! They look up to you, only to turn away in fear of your wrath! Look at what you've become! Once a tiny part of your mother, the universe, you have turned into this! No one questions your importance, you're essential for life to exist. But such power is turning you into a monster. I agree, most of the places in the torrid zone are very attractive, if not for their government. But however juicy we are, it is wrong to suck out our energy. You're constantly demanding attention, all day! We are forced to buy blinds to prevent you from seeing us.
Remember, with a great shower comes great aromatherapy. Or something like that.
Look at the moon. So gentle, so white. Reminds you of Dove soap. Isn't it beautiful? No, I'm not calling you ugly. You are magnificent.
"But the moon is STUPID! All it cares about is rabbits and cheese! And it only works full-time twice a month! And always admiring its reflection in lakes and ponds!"
And you think you are any better? Being a workaholic does not make you any better than the moon. It's in the moon's character to behave that way. If the moon is vain, you are incredibly proud.
You know why there's a hole in the ozone? CFCs. And why are CFCs haunting the atmosphere? Because we need refrigeration. And why do we need refrigeration? Thaaat's right. So whose fault is it?
I step into my balcony to get some fresh air, look at the noisy children arguing with various aunties, relax after eating a whole watermelon. But noooo. Everything looks yellow and orange. It's like I borrowed a pair of Govinda's sunglasses, minus the relaxing effect of sunglasses.
Aren't you, like, several billion years old? That's older than, like, bell-bottomed pants, or something. When will you learn? You don't have to show off your power to every new species created. It's annoying. You're getting senile. Get married. Take a holiday. Let the evening star take over for a bit.
Okay, that was unnecessary. See what the heat does to people? All I want is for you to realize what you're doing to people. Sometimes, it's okay to exert your power. It's a win-win. You turn up the heat, we invent ice-cream and watermelons. But for now, stop making me cry.